Ways to Improve Your Child's Grades (5 of 10): Give Your Child Social Skills Training

Teaching Manners & Social Skills

Doesn’t Stop at 

Age Seven

Evelyn E. Smith

M. S. in Library Science, University of North Texas (2012)

• Chris, a high school freshman, still constantly interrupts and talks out of turn.

• Dylan, a 7th-grader, can’t keep his hands to himself.

• Olivia, age 9, has trouble looking others in the eye when they are speaking.

All of which makes them unpopular with their teachers as well as their classmates, which keeps them from learning like then should.  Even though they are now way beyond the early elementary grades, they could use a refresher course in manners, or what therapists and counselors call social skills training.

When students spend their time bullying, cutting up, or being teased by others, it’s hard for them to concentrate on their lessons.  Moreover, while parents and teachers from preschool until about the third grade place a good deal of emphasis on learning social skills, they are either too busy to attend to polishing manners, or they unfortunately assume that once kids reach a certain age they don’t need any more help on “playing well with others”.  Nevertheless, it’s time for parents and educators to borrow a page from the Social Skills Training playbook to either remediate or to prevent misbehavior since most everyone was absent from class--or not really paying attention--the day the first grade teacher taught reading minds.

A knowledge of this behavioral management therapy as well as an acquaintance with the characteristics of high-functioning autism will also prevent parents and teachers from misdiagnosing or even worse excusing certain misbehaviors as symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, a condition that shares a few symptoms with autism: Failing to pay attention, not listening, talking excessively or out of turn, and interrupting (Types of ADHD, 2014, para. 4).  However, ADHD diagnosed children and teens can also benefit from small group or one-on-one Social Skills Training (SST).

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The purpose of SST is not to embarrass children and young adults, but to keep them from being embarrassed by breaking down complex social behaviors into smaller steps and then reinforcing appropriate behavior by modeling, role playing, and feedback.  Accordingly, psychiatrists, guidance counselors, and special education teachers use SST to teach socially-challenged kids conversational skills that fit the occasion since they often lack the ability to intuit what they should do by observing others’ facial expressions, body language, and hearing their voice tone.  Additionally, mental health professionals and educators also use SST to enhance the social skills of children and teens who suffer from shyness or certain social phobias (DSM-5 Autism Diagnosis Criteria, 2013). Consequently, this Web page provides lots of links on instruction in manners as well as social skills training for all children and teens that need brushing up on everyday social skills.

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DSM-5 Autism Diagnosis Criteria. (2013). Autism Speaks.  Retrieved from

http://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/diagnosis/dsm-5-diagnostic-criteria

Types of ADHD:  Making the diagnosis.  (2014). ADHD in Children Health Center.  WebM.D.  Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/childhood-adhd/types-of-adhd

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Laying the Groundwork: Some Definitions

To fully understand this concept, the reader first needs to know what Social Skills Training encompasses as well as a simplified definition of etiquette:

Social skills training.  Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders.  (2014). Retrieved from http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Social-skills-training.html

Social Skills Training is a behavioral therapy used to help individuals that “have difficulty relating to other people” (SST, 2014, para. 1).  SST therefore teaches those who may—or may not—suffer from social and/or emotional problems about verbal and nonverbal behaviors, so they act appropriately in a variety of social situations. SST consequently modifies unsuitable social behavior by practicing appropriate actions in individual or small group therapy sessions (SST, 2014, para. 3).  Improvements, however, ordinarily come slowly, so parents and teachers shouldn’t try to change too many behaviors at once (SST, 2014, para. 12). 

A major component of SST is breaking down complex social behaviors into smaller portions, introducing them in their order or difficulty. Then SST reinforces appropriate behavior by modeling, role-playing, shaping, feedback, and reinforcement (SST, 2014, para. 15 & 18). Therapists or teachers may also use SST to teach a specific set of social competencies, such as not invading the personal space of others, since it improves the ability to be aware of and act on social cues (SST, 2014, para. 16-17).  Finally, they may modify SST to allow for cultural and gender differences (SST, 2014, para. 19).

ETIQUETTE:  et·i·quette (ˈe-ti-kət, -ˌket) The rules indicating the proper and polite way to behave. 

Specifically, the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/etiquette).

Knowing the right way to behave in everyday social situations won’t necessarily earn students a post as a diplomatic attaché, but getting along well with others might result in better grades, gainful employment, and a happier family life.  At this stage of life, it’s ordinarily not necessary to know which fork to use when dining at the White House or Buckingham Palace.

Manners Lessons for Ages 3 to 4

Teaching manners can be part of story time.

Etiquette instruction formally becomes a part of the curriculum in preschool and nursery school, so parents might want to also borrow a few of these ideas:

Magher, Maria. (2014). Lesson plan ideas for preschool for the theme good manners. Global Post. Demand Media.  Retrieved from http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/lesson-plan-ideas-preschool-theme-good-manners-32394.html

Lessons on manners at the preschool level explore simple concepts like saying please and thank you that songs and crafts can reinforced during a single story time hour, or a teacher can expand  the unit to cover several days (Magher 2014, para. 1):

• Step 1:  Explain what manners are and have children practice customs like saying please and thank you

• Step 2: Brainstorm, making a list of how listeners can practice good manners;

• Step 3:  Sing fun songs about manners: 

Good manners themes and activities.  (2010). Childcare Lounge.  Retrieved from http://www.childcarelounge.com/general-themes/good-manners.php

In addition to singing about manners to the tune of well-known songs, children can create cover your sneeze please masks, create a gift for another child; and upon exchanging presents, create a thank you note, and/or collaborate with a partner, painting a picture together.  As a science activity, children, also working with partners, can combine water colors to see what colors they make (http://www.color-wheel-artist.com/primary-colors.html),and the class can also brainstorm about when it is important to say please and thank you, and record this information on a chart.  Holding a tea party or providing please and thank you snacks also reinforce the manners theme (Childcare Lounge, para. 2-8).

Music & Songs. (2013). Preschool Education.  Retrieved from

http://www.preschooleducation.com/smanners.shtml

Sung to familiar melodies, songs cover such topics as saying please and thank you, washing one’s hands before eating, table manners, and thoughtfulness.

•  Step 4 & 6:  Create a collaborative art project, so children can show good manners by working together.

• Step 5: Put on a puppet show that covers topics like sharing, listening, and saying please and thank you. 

• Step 7: Practice writing thank you notes.

• Step 8: Provide prompts on good table manners during snack time.

     (Magher, 2014, para. 2-9)

Willa. (2012, June 6).  Manners: Ideas for a kindergarten theme to tech good manners.  Bright Hub Education.  Retrieved from http://www.brighthubeducation.com/pre-k-and-k-lesson-plans/8108-good-manners-theme-for-young-students/

This Bright Hub lesson plan allows teachers to expand a unit on manners and character building for several weeks or compress it to one or two sessions (Willa, 2012, para. 1).

• Morning Circle Time: During circle time, announce that each child caught displaying good manners will earn a star for his or crown attached to a bulletin board, and if everyone earns a star, the class will celebrate with a party (Willa, 2012, para 2).

• Story Time: Select stories on sharing, kindness, taking turns, and practicing good manners (Willa, 2012, para. 3).

• Snack Time:  Daily select a particular meal time practice to demonstrate and reinforce; for example, not talking with one’s mouth full (Willa, 2012, para. 4).

• Center Time: Allow children to role play practicing customs like saying “excuse me” or “I’m sorry” or answering a question in class (Willis, 2012, para. 5).

• Crafts:  Encourage children to either build a block castle together and/or have them draw pictures illustrating a particular manner they should practice (Willis, 2012, para. 5). .

• Assessment:  Each day a child practices good manners, the teacher adds a star to his or her crown (Willis, 2012, para. 6).

Manners Lesson Plans for Grades K to 3

Make sure your child's teacher incorporates
 learning social skills in the weekly lesson plans.

Teachers and parents of pupils in kindergarten through third grade routinely continue to polish their chargers’ manners:

CrunchingLeaves. (2012, January 17).  Teaching elementary etiquette with this lesson plan on using polite words.  Bright Hub Education.  Retrieved from http://www.brighthubeducation.com/lesson-plans-grades-3-5/16191-please-and-thank-you-lesson-plan-for-elementary-school/

After explaining that words like please, thank you, and excuse me show respect and appreciation, point out situations where it is appropriate to use these courteous words and phrases (Teaching elementary etiquette, 2012, para. 2). Students can then write scripts, practice saying what they have written, and perform skits before the class, presenting scenarios where it is appropriate to use polite words (Teaching elementary etiquette, 2012, para. 3).

The Bright Hub lesson plan then recommends several read aloud picture books to supplement the lesson (whose reviews appear later on this Web page):

[Brandenberg], Aliki. (1997).  Manners.  New York: Greenwillow Books. (Ages 4-8).

McGrath, Bob.  Ophs! Excuse Me! Please!: And Other Mannerly Tales. Mauppauge, New York: Barron’s Educational Series, Inc. (Preschool & up).

Seslyle, Joslin & Maurice Sendak.  (1986). What Do You Say, Dear?  New York: HarperCollins. (Ages 4-8).

Finally, Bright Hub furnishes links to two lesson plans on manners:

CrunchingLeaves. (2012, January 17). Teaching elementary etiquette with this table manners lesson plan.  Retrieved from http://www.brighthubeducation.com/lesson-plans-grades-3-5/16183-table-manners-lesson-plan-for-elementary-children/

Explain that good table manners show consideration for other diners (Table Manners, 2012, para. 3).  Then read aloud Gelett Burgesses’ “The Goops” either in print or online:

https://archive.org/stream/goopshowtobethem00burg/goopshowtobethem00burg_djvu.txt

Depending upon the age of the class, ask the pupils to draw pictures of this ill-mannered family at the table, and/or have the class memorize the poem together (Table Manners, 2012, para. 4). 

At lunch or when the children receive a snack, the teacher should form small groups to monitor each other’s meal time behavior; and as a follow up, depending on the children’s age, the teacher can  read selections aloud, or assign pairs of students to read to each other from these suggested books (reviewed later in this blog post):

Burgess, Gelett. (1900). The Goops and How to Be Them:  A Manual for Polite Children.  Ed. 2005. Adapted by Barbara Ross and Nicholas Beatty.  Battle Ground, Washington:  Goops Unlimited. (Ages 4-8).

Espeland, Pamela & Verdick, Elizabeth.  (2007). Dude, That’s Rude! (Get Some Manners).  Minneapolis, Minnesota:  Free Spirit Publishing. (Ages 8-13).

Finn, N.  Carrie. (2007). Manners at the Table.  Way to Be!  Chicago: Capstone Publishers. (Kindergarten-grade 2).

Senning, Cindy Post & Post, Peggy.  (2009). Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids. New York:  HarperCollins. (3rd to 7th grade).

(Table Manners 2012, para. 5)

As is the custom on Bright Hub Lesson Pages, links to other lesson plans follow. From whether or not to say grace to not slurping soup, this comprehensive children’s etiquette book answers table manners questions that kids need to know.

CrunchingLeaves. (2012, February 14). Elementary etiquette: A lesson plan on gratitude.  Bright Hub Education.  Retrieved from http://www.brighthubeducation.com/lesson-plans-grades-3-5/16191-please-and-thank-you-lesson-plan-for-elementary-school/

Encourage children to express their gratitude in a timely and suitable manner by asking if they remember if and how they thanked someone who gave them a gift or did someone particularly thoughtful for them (Gratitude, 2012, para. 2-4). Children can then compose thank you notes for recently received gifts; and after writing a rough draft, they can create thank you notes themselves (Gratitude, 2012, para. 5-6).

 Note: Microsoft provides templates for thank you notes that the class can use, although the teacher should stress that customarily thank you notes are handwritten and not typed (http://www.emilypost.com/social-life/gift-giving-and-receiving/880-appropriate-thank-you-notes).

Bright Hub also lists books that might help in carrying out this lesson:

MacGregor, Cynthia.  Thanks Aunt Zelda!  Thank You Cards for Kids to Craft. Montreal:  Lobster Press. (Grades 2 to 5).

Spizman, Ali Lauren.  (2000). The Thank You Book for Kids: Hundreds of Creative Cool, and Clever Ways to Say Thank You. Atlanta, Georgia: Longstreet Press. (Ages 8-12).

Humanity Quest. (n. d.).  Manners Retrieved from http://www.humanityquest.com/topic/art_activities/index.asp?theme1=manners

Humanity Quest provides a long list of multimedia art projects for teaching manners; however, the links to the lesson plans either don’t work or don’t directly address how to create the projects.  Nevertheless, ideas like creating a manners collage or making masks to show how manners look sound intriguing (Humanity Quest, n. d., para. 1).

Luddy, Joan. (2010). Students learn respect thanks to good manners. Education World. Retrieved from http://www.educationworld.com/a_curr/curr232.shtml

Teaching manners receives like attention in the public schools beyond the very early grades, even though “manners and respect are inseparable” (Luddy, 2010, para. 6-7).  Thus, it falls to parents to fill-in-the-gaps by following a training agenda similar to the social skills training that psychologists recommend for children with high-functioning autism:  1) teach social skills one at a time, 2) provide immediate feedback, 3) tolerate mistakes, but don’t overlook them, 4) provide prompts when children forget their manners, and 5) model mannerly behavior (Luddy 2010, para 8).

The “doyenne  of decorum”, Letitia Baldrige (1926-2012), who served as First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy’s social secretary and who also updated Amy Vanderbilt’s Compete Book of Etiquette (1978),  similarly advises that parents should tell children how they expect them to behave in public ahead of time, praise them for acts of kindness, admit their own mistakes, and discuss how embarrassing social missteps might be handled differently (Luddy, 2010, para. 9-10).

Additionally, the National Association of Elementary School Principals has some ideas on how parents can improve their children’s social behavior:

• Stress “the Golden Rule” (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”): Children should treat others as they would like to be treated;

• Explain that “thoughtless, unkind words and acts” can hurt others;

• Role-play with children difficult social situations;

• Put in force a no tolerance politeness policy for basic manners:

• Teach children the importance of courteous and kind acts; for example, require them to write thank you notes when they receive gifts.

(Luddy, 2010, para. 11-12)

Thankfully, elementary schools are also beginning to formally teach manners as part of the elementary school curriculum.  Volunteers at Paxtonia Elementary in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, for instance, read manners books in every class while children receive school store coupons when teachers or administrators catch them committing “random acts of kindness”; fifth-grade pupils research etiquette and social skills questions submitted by other grades for Q. and A. morning announcement spots, and teachers insert social skills into the teaching of other subjects (Luddy, 2010, para. 13-17).

Meanwhile, middle school students prepare for a formal dinner at a prestigious Seattle restaurant by practicing their table manners throughout the year, and fourth-graders in Campbell, California, practice good manners before hosting their mothers at “Mother May I” luncheon at year’s end (Luddy, 2010, para. 18-19).

A second grade teacher in Hawaii has also developed a Respect Lesson Plan that she introduces by reading Ina Friedman’s How My Parents Learned to Eat and Barbara Conney’s Miss Rumphius (Luddy, 2010, para. 23).  Although Luddy’s article includes a link to this curriculum guide, it no longer works, and a Web search doesn’t turn it up.  Nevertheless, the story books that form the basis for teaching respect in multi-cultural Hawaii are both thoughtful and thought provoking:

Cooney, Barbara. (1985). Miss Rumphius. New York: Viking Press. (Kindergarten & up).

The narrator’s great aunt follows her grandfather’s advice to make the world more beautiful, for she travels the world planting wildflowers.

Friedman, Ina R. (1987).  How My Parents Learned to Eat.  New York:  Sandpiper Houghton Mifflin Books. (Kindergarten--grade 3).

A young girl tells how her American dad and her Japanese mother met, fell in love, and learned how to understand each other’s cultures.

Finally, Luddy praises some Websites that teach manners across the curriculum:

 Good Manners Are Fun.  (n. d.).  Retrieved from http://mannersbooksforkids.com/good-manners-are-fun/

The Manners Books for Kids Website advertises books aimed at second through fourth graders that features a curriculum that insert lesson plans on manners throughout the year (Luddy, 2010, para 20-21). 

Lindy, Elaine.  (2013). Stories to Grow By with Whootie Owl. Retrieved from http://www.storiestogrowby.com/values.html

Stories to Grow By furnishes free stories that emphasize such themes as cooperation, courage, generosity gratitude, and listening, some of which come accompanied with writing prompts, and a reader’s theater  that provides character-building scripts for plays.  A companion Spanish/ English Website provides a smaller collection of Reader’s Theater and role-playing scripts: http://www.whootieowl.com/learn_english/Spanish/cat-story-shell.htm.

Theme:  School Manners.  Respect.  (n. d.).  Learning for Life.  Retrieved from http://learning.learningforlife.org/wp-content/pdf/Early%20Childhood%20Sample%20Lessons.pdf

Learning for Life lesson plans consist of  1) a role-playing activity in which pupils demonstrate good school manners, such as covering the mouth when coughing or sneezing,, and 2) activity sheets illustrating the same.  As a follow up activity, this lesson plan also suggests reading The Bernstain Bears Forget Their Manners (reviewed later on this Web page), so the teacher may need to relate the manners that everyone should follow all the time to how to practice good manners in school.

Bernstain, Stan & Bernstain, Jan. (1985).  The Bernstain Bears Forget Their Manners. New York:  Random House Books for Young Readers. (Kindergarten-2nd grade).

SST: Not Just for Socially Challenged

Some days everyone needs a little help in behaving.

Clearly telling kids how to behave and as necessary adding modeling and role playing of appropriate behavior to reinforce this message improves classroom discipline and hence enhances learning in all children and young adults.

Lerner, Matthew. (2012, August 24).  Promoting Teen Social Skills. Autism Speaks.  Retrieved from http://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/2012/08/24/promoting-teen-social-skills

For teens with high-functioning autism, problems with inappropriate social skills become more pronounced in high school (Lerner, 2012, August 24, para. 1).  At this age, structured learning in a small group setting [3 to 5 participants] is the most common intervention for dealing with  behavioral problems. In this setting, teachers and/or counselors model appropriate social behavior and then supervise role playing whereupon they expect group members to use these skills with their peers (Lerner, 2012, August 24, para. 3).  Some adolescents, however, may be too self-conscious to benefit from small group training, and certainly no approach works for all young adults diagnosed with autism (Lerner, 2012, August 24, para. 2 & 3).

An alternative social skills performance training model—Socio-Dramatic Affective Rational Intervention:  Drama therapy relies on improvisational games to teach social skills, embeds rewards in the social experience, such as going out to eat together after learning dining etiquette, and  uses counselors instead of teachers to avoid teacher-student relationships (Lerner, 2012, August 24,para. 5).

Rudy, Lisa Jo. (2014, April 22).  Social skills training and autism:  The basics.  Autism Spectrum Disorders.  About.com. Retrieved from http://autism.about.com/od/autismtherapy101/a/socskillbasics.htm

Kids with autism have problems “mind reading”, or knowing what others are thinking, a talent that most observers intuit by observing conversational tone, facial expressions, and body language.  Consequently, this “mind blindness” leads to social blunders, hurting others feelings or posing inappropriate questions, so these social skills mistakes ultimately lead to teasing, bullying, and ostracism (Rudy, 2014, April 22, para. 1-2).  
 

Do It Yourself SST at home features books and videos modeling social interaction and script scenarios, many of which are available online (Rudy, 2014, April 22, para. 5).  

Similarly,  SST in a school setting depends on group activities, including games and a conversational format to focus on such social skills as being a good sport, or playing well with others, sharing, and conversational skills while SST  in a clinical setting often imparts appropriate social skills through drama therapy (Rudy, 2014, April 22, para. 6-8).

Rao, Patricia, Beidel, Deborah C.  Murray, Michael J.  (2009). Social skills interventions for children with Asperger's Syndrome or high-functioning autism: A review and recommendations.  Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 38, 353-361. ERIC.  Retrieved from http://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ785363

Rao, Beidel, and Murray describe the disparity of social skills programs and freely admit the lack of a universal definition of social skills as well as the various levels and intensities and length of treatment along with the diversity of theoretical backgrounds and clinical and classroom programs that lurk underneath the banner of SST (Rao, 2009, p. 353).   Even so, the researchers do suggest that social skills may be broadly defined as “specific behaviors that result in positive interactions through verbal and nonverbal behavior”, for instance, smiling and making eye contact (Rao, 2009, p. 353).  Likewise, those children who lack sufficient social skills can be identified and remediated as early as preschool (Rao, 2009 p. 353).

However, by adolescence, a lack of social skills results in ridicule and rejection because these young adults often can’t cooperate and maintain self-control, and if these deficits last into adulthood, adults are more likely to be unemployed or underemployed and less likely to have “satisfying social relationships” (Rao, 2009, p. 354). 

Traditional social skills training takes place in small groups or in a classroom and is usually a four-part process: 1) assessment to determine a baseline (how much social training does an individual need), 2) the SST itself, 3) feedback, and 4) follow up (Rao, 2009, p. 355).  Additionally, parents may keep weekly problem behavioral logs that they share with parent/educator discussion groups, and one hour sessions of direct instruction may supplement small group instruction, which is usually made up of modelling, role-playing, and reinforcement as well as possibly several hours of community service work. Participants may also read from social scripts with pictures and written cues (Rao, 2009, p. 357). 

School-based social training may also include social cognition, emotional understanding, and social interaction competency as the curriculum covers such topics as conversational skills and responding appropriately to criticism (Rao, 2009, pp. 357-358).

Social skills: Promoting positive behavior, academic success, and school safety. 2002). NASP Resources.  Retrieved from http://www.nasponline.org/resources/factsheets/socialskills_fs.aspx

Most children pick up social skills through interacting with peers and adults; and in turn, their parents and teachers strengthen these skills through casual learning and direct and indirect instruction.  While traditionally schools relied on the nuclear family to instill interpersonal skills, they increasingly ask teachers to take on this duty (NASP, 2002, para. 2).  Responding with resiliency to crises, taking a measured approach to aggression and frustration, and accepting personal responsibility are all signs of  someone who possesses good social skills while conversely difficulty in interpersonal relationships, violence, depression, anxiety, poor academic performance, and criminal activity all signify a lack of social skills (NASP, 2002, para 3-4). 

Social skills impacting school safety include anger management, understanding others points of view, social problem solving, peer negotiation and resistance, conflict management, the ability to actively listen, effective communication skills, and tolerance of diversity (NASP, 2002, para. 5). 

Academic survival, or “how to study” skills, include listening, following directions, and  ignoring distractions while interpersonal skills include the practices of sharing, asking permission, waiting in queues, and taking turns.  Problem-solving skills cover such topics as asking for help and accepting the consequences of one’s actions,  and conflict resolution skills focus on subjects like teasing and peer pressure (NASP, 2002, para 6).

A social skill problem may be caused because someone doesn’t know how to act, or he or she regularly fails to behave appropriately while knowing better (NASP, 2002, para. 7). Social skills intervention may alleviate these problems by either learning through observation, hearing teachers and parents praise those who are behaving correctly, and/or  offering alternatives for misbehavior, addressing environmental factors, or addressing individual emotional and behavioral-based disabilities (NASP, 2002, para 8-11).

After SST determines why someone misbehaves, it changes misconduct into desirable behavior through modelling, coaching, providing immediate performance feedback, and rewarding good behavior. This behavior modification therapy thus falls back on punitive measures only if positive reinforcements are unsuccessful (NASP, 2002, para. 12). School-based SST programs include parents and caregivers in the behavioral modification process that avoids a one-size-fits-all approach (NASP, 2002, para. 13).

NASP  then provides a quick assessment of four social skills programs.

 Project Achieve. (2012). Retrieved from http://www.projectachieve.info/project-achieve-program/project-achieve-overview.html

The "Stop and Think" Social Skills Program (Knoff) has a history of reducing discipline referrals to the principal’s office.

Primary Mental Health Project (n. d.).  Retrieved from http://php.scripts.psu.edu/dept/prevention/PMHP.htm

The Primary Mental Health Project (Cowen et al.) through one-on-one therapy sessions treats kindergarten through fourth grade children (rather than third grade as the NASP article indicates) for social and emotional problems interfere with learning. 

The EQUIP Program. (2014). Research Press. Retrieved from  http://www.researchpress.com/scripts/product.asp?item=4848#5134

EQUIP Program (Gibbs, Potter, & Goldstein) is a three-part intervention program that includes training in moral judgment, anger management, and prosocial skills for anti-social behavior in adolescents.

The Walker Social Skills Curriculum: The ACCEPTS Program, Curriculum Guide. (2012). Pro-ED.  Retrieved from http://www.proedinc.com/customer/productView.aspx?ID=625&SearchWord=ACCEPTS%20PROGRAM

The ACCEPTS Program (Walker et al) curriculum allows regular and special-education teachers to teach SSST through either one-on-on, small group, or classroom instruction  The ACCEPTS nine-step procedure uses direct instruction and social behavioral scripts, to teach social concepts like getting along, making friends, and coping skills.

Teaching social skills to kids who don’t have them yet. (n. d.).  Behavior Advisor.com.  Retrieved from http://www.behavioradvisor.com/SocialSkills.html

Behavior Advisor argues that “some kids know intellectually what they should be doing in a particular set of circumstances, but they haven’t practiced the correct behavior”—yet (Teaching Social Skills, n. d., para. 2).  Consequently, they need to practice communication, problem-solving, decision-making, self-management, and per relations skills (Teaching Social Skills, n. d., para. 9).

Accordingly, Behavior Advisor views these deficits as mistakes in learning caused by one of the following possibilities: 

1. The children didn’t know another way to act other than how they behave, for they don’t receive appropriate guidance at home, or they lack proper role model;
2. They knew the correct way to behave, but they haven’t had enough practice doing so. 
3. They have tried behaving appropriately in the past, but it didn’t work for them, so they fell back on their old bad habits. In other words, positive or negative reinforcement forms the basis of behavior.

(Teaching Social Skills, n. d., para. 10-14)

Consequently, the first step in curing misbehavior is to ask if a behavioral problem is a “skills deficit” or a “performance deficit” (Teaching Social Skills, n. d., para. 15). Moreover, since poor social skills often result in social rejection, teachers and parents of children with emotional and behavioral problems need to partner in training children and young adults in social skills with daily, structured lessons.  Even so, some of those lacking in social skills won’t respond to this instruction because they don’t following social norms “necessarily useful” (Teaching Social Skills, n. d., para. 16-18).

Social Skills Training includes training in 1) manners and cooperating with others, 2) appropriate classroom comportment, 3) anger management, and 4) conflict resolution (Teaching Social Skills, n. d., para. 19). So starting in preschool, teachers and parents should train children not only in listening skills and study skills, but also should help them learn how to keep and make friends, control their emotions, make positive moral choices, and deal with stress (Teaching Social Skills, n. d., para. 20). 

In most instances, after selecting students who need SST, this therapy clarifies the behavior that needs amending, identifies positive reinforcements, and then attempts to change the students’ behavior (Teaching Social Skills, n. d., para 23).  Specific SST ordinarily takes place in small groups of between three to five students, who meet early in the day.  Counselors teach easy-to-learn social skills first through guided practice and feedback (Teaching Social Skills, n. d., para. 24).  

Tse, Jeanie, Jack Strulovitch, & Tagalalakis, Vicki, et al.  (2007). Social skills training for adolescents with Asperger Syndrome and high-functioning autism.  Journal of Autism Developmental Disorders, 37, 1960-1968. doi: 10.100/s10803-006-0323-3.  [Abstract]. Retrieved from http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10803-006-0343-3

In this McGill University study, after 12 weeks of social skills training in a social worker or psychologist led group setting of between 7 and 8 adolescents, participants reported more “perceived improvements” than their parents did (Tse, 2007, p. 1961).

Online SST & Clinical Interventions

Parents and teachers can turn to online resources for help with Social Skills training, even though SST may take place in a clinical setting.

All the tools you need to teach lifelong social skills. (n. d.). Social Skills Central.  Retrieved from http://socialskillscentral.com/

For $14.95 a month (or for a two day free trial), Social Skills Central furnishes age-appropriate expert advice, games, e-books, group and individual activities, worksheets, and self-assessments from preschool through high school.  For example, beginning in preschool, children receive help dealing with anger management, anxiety and shyness, apologizing, bullying and teasing, classroom behavior, compassion, sharing, complements, conversational skills, friendships, greetings, group behavior, personal space, public behavior, secrets and lies, self-worth and confidence, and sportsmanship.   In addition to this list of social skills that all children need to acquire, Social Skills Central also equips elementary students to  come to terms with their appearance, develop patience, withstand peer pressure, and deal with technology as well as helping teenagers make thoughtful and appropriate choices about smoking, drugs, alcohol, and premarital sex.

Dichter, Gabriel.  (2012, July 31).  Social skills for teenagers. Autism Speaks.  Retrieved from http://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/2012/07/31/social-skills-teenagers

Dichter is associated with the Social Skills Clinic for the Carolina Institute for Developmental Disorders,  a behavior therapy center that focuses on helping teenagers understand the feelings of others, so they improve their social behavior and function in the real world.  Early sessions focus on sequentially developing social skills and progress to role playing between participants (Dichter, 2012, July 31, para 1 & 3).

Social Skills Training Program for Teens. (2007). Variety Child Learning Center.  Retrieved from http://www.vclc.org/social-skills-training-for-teens.html

Variety Learning Center aims its social skills training program at teens ages 13 to 16 that have difficulties behaving properly and making friends.  The program trains young teens in flexible thinking skills, creative thinking, expressing opinions, social problem solving, and meal time etiquette, and it makes them aware of how behavior and appearance affects others as it covers inappropriate boy/girl reaction, conversational skills, and body language, frustration, tolerance, conflict resolution, anger management, self-esteem, social situations as well as how to cope with teasing, and bullying (Social Skills Training Program for Teens, 2007, para. 1-3).

Ways adults with Asperger’s Syndrome can improve their social skills. (n. d.).  Succeed Socially.com. Retrieved from http://www.succeedsocially.com/helpaspergers

Adults with Asperger’s can gradually improve social skills, but they still exhibit many “quirky traits” because they have mixed feelings about complying with societal norms: 1) They may equate socializing with failure and rejection; 2) they may possibly resent having to conform to “good social skills”; 3) they are perhaps “fed up” with hearing that something is wrong with them, and 4) they “want certain things for themselves socially”, but this interest doesn’t extend to complying fully with societal norms (Ways, n. d., para. 2-6). Indeed, some adults diagnosed with Asperger’s wrap up all their self-worth in passing themselves off as normal (Ways, n. d., para. 11). 

Succeed Socially also contains some helpful links for overcoming shyness, coping with anxiety, making friends, meeting people, and taking part in group conversations that young adults may find beneficial.

Teaching Social Skills to

Preschoolers & Kindergarteners

While these links don’t detail full lesson plans, they do give how-to tips to parents on teaching social skills and manners.

Fetzer. Mary. (2014). How to raise mannerly children.  She Knows.  Retrieved from http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/818128/Manners-for-pre-school-children

Since most children first learn manners at home, Fetzer gives tips on teaching greetings, saying please, thank you, and I’m sorry as well as helping preschoolers develop table manners.

Five playful ways to work on listening and following directions. (2012, October 1).  Playing with Words 365.  Retrieved from http://www.playingwithwords365.com/2012/10/five-playful-ways-to-work-on-listening-skills/

Preschoolers can learn about following directions by playing games like I Spy and Follow the Leader as well as by completing simple obstacle courses.

Good manners theme and activities. (2010)  Child Care Lounge.  Retrieved from http://www.childcarelounge.com/general-themes/good-manners.php

Children can learn manners through songs and finger plays, arts and crafts, science and math-based activities, and sharing at snack time.

Manners. (2014). Parents.com.  Meredith Corporation.  Retrieved from http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/manners/

Parents.com furnishes 11 links that teach children manners.

Poole, Carla Miller, Susan A., & Church, Ellen Booth. (2013)  Ages and stages: Learning to follow directions.  Scholastic Early Childhood Today.  Scholastic, Inc.  Retrieved from http://www.scholastic.com/teachers/article/ages-stages-learning-follow-directions

When toddlers wave goodbye, play pat-a-cake, or put away their toys as requested they are learning to follow directions.  Nursery school age children (age 3 sand 4) learn by doing, so caregivers can offer them simple choices to make (Poole, 2013, para 1-8).  By age 4, children can successfully respond to three-step directions.  Some “field-sensitive” children need an adult to demonstrate a new activity before they attempt it while “field-independent” children don’t need to copy a model (Poole, 2013, para. 9-17).

 Kindergarten and first-grade children need a lot of practice following directions and sometime need to take things one step at a time.   They need adults to give directions in context, and they also benefit from movement games like Simon Says.  Adults should give positive, easy to understand directions and suggestions, model good listening skills, and strive to make following directions fun (Poole, 2013, para.18-25).

Rock, Amanda. (2014). Manners for kids:  An etiquette guide for your preschooler.  Parenting > preschoolers. About.com. Retrieved from http://preschoolers.about.com/od/socialemotionalgrowth/tp/Manners-For-Kids.htm

As preschoolers mature, they need to observe social niceties like not throwing temper tantrums (Rock, 2014, para. 1-3).  From there, parents can move on to teaching restaurant and table manners (Rock, 2014, para. 4-5).

Child Psychology Texts Take on Social Skills

Parents and teachers may also wish to access educational psychology textbooks that concentrate on equipping children with social skills.

Bloomquist, Michael L. (2012).  Skills Training for Struggling Kids: Promoting Your Child’s Behavioral, Emotional, Academic, and Social Development.  New York: Guilford Publications. [e-book].

Bloomquist believes that emotionally-challenged children don’t purposefully misbehave, but rather they lack the social skills to act appropriately.  Accordingly, he furnishes specific strategies to build their social skills.

Eberly, Sheryl. (2011). 365 Manners Kids Should Know:  Games Activities, and Other Fun Ways to Help Children and Teens Learn Etiquette.  New York: Harmony.

Eberly outlines the manners children and young adults should master by a certain age and then furnishes activities that reinforce these social skills.

Ozonoff, Sally, Dawson, Geraldine, & McPartland, James.  (2014). A Parent's Guide to High-Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder: How to Meet the Challenges and Help Your Child Thrive. New York: Gildford Press.

A trio of child psychiatrists offers practical strategies for helping kids deal with peers, conform to appropriate behavior, and succeed academically.

Peterson, Lindy. (2002). Social Savvy:  Help Your Child Fit in with Others. Melbourne, Australia:  Australia Council for Education Research.

Peterson helps parents manage their children behavior and equip them with social skills through practice, practice, and more practice.

Willey, L. H. (1999).  Pretending to be Normal: Living with Asperger’s Syndrome.  London: Jessica Kingsley.

Willey, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, shares her own struggle in pretending to be normal as well as what she has endured as a parent of a daughter diagnosed with Asperger’s in infancy.

Dealing with Tween & Teen Angst





Adolescence is a difficult time.

Tweens and teens need some extra help surviving and thriving during adolescence:

Baker, Jed. (2008). Social Skills Picture Book for High School and Beyond. Arlington, Texas:  Future Horizons

Baker details both right and wrong behavior before providing practice in acting out suitable behavior and feedback.  The text also analyzes inappropriate conduct, so a replacement skill set can supersede it.

---. (2004). Social Skills Training for Children and Adolescents with Asperger Syndrome and Social Communications Problems.  2nd Printing.  Shawnee Mission, Kansas:  Autism Publishing Co.

Baker breaks down social skills for students with special needs as well as for their peers who need to hone their sensitivity to others with learning difficulties.

Bolick, Teresa. (2001). Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence:  Helping Preteens Get Ready for the Real World.  Gloucester, Massachusetts: Four Winds Press.

A clinical psychologist specializing in autism disorders offers practical advice and effective techniques for parents of preteens and young teens diagnosed with high-functioning autism.

Cooper, Barbara & Widdows, Nancy. (2002). The Social Success Workbook for Teens:  Skill Building Activities for Teens with Nonverbal Learning Disorders, Asperger’s Disorder, and Other Social Problems.  Oakland, California: Instant Help Book.

Cooper and Widdows furnish suggestions activities and handouts that will interest middle and high school students that need to improve their social skills either working independently or in groups.

Cornish, Ursula & Ross, Fiona. (2004). Social Skills Training for Adolescents with General Moderate Learning Difficulties.  London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

This training session and workshop book for teachers offers a multi-sensory, cognitive behavioral approach. The curriculum guide comes complete with homework handouts.

Laugeson, Elizabeth A. (2014).  The PEERS Curriculum for School Based Professionals:  Social Skills Training for Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorder.  New York:  Routledge.

This 16-week step-by-step program contains divided lesson plans, each including concrete rules and steps as well as an accompanying out-of-class assignment, “fun activities”, parent handouts, teaching tips, and research validating the curriculum.

Patrick, Nancy J. (2008).  Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome:  A Practical Guide to Day-to-Day Life.  London: Jessica Kingsley. [e-book].

Patrick provides specific strategies and practical ways for teens and adults to hone their social interaction skills by defining a behavioral problem, giving positive and negative responses, modelling the appropriate response, and offering opportunities for role-playing.  Adults and teens have given this e-book rave reviews on Amazon.com.

Elementary School Age Manners Reinforcement

Instruction in social skills shouldn’t stop in early elementary school or be confined only to special education classes particularly since many children with high-functioning autism are mainstreamed.

Koernies, Jahine, Marris, Brian, & Rae, Tina. (2005)  Problem Postcards:  Social, Emotional, and Behavioral Skills Training for Disaffected and Difficult Children Aged 7 to 11.  Thousand Oaks, California: Sage.

This elementary school teachers’ resource for dealing with problem behavior includes warm up activities and worksheets.

White, Susan Williams.  (2013). Social Skills Training for Children with Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism.  New York: Guilford Press.

White provides tools and strategies for implementing SST in schools and clinical settings.  However, chapter 7 details “Promoting Social Skills Training at Home” since White argues that these children “don’t result from lack of motivation, but from lack of ability” (White 2013, p. 6).

Social Skills Training for the Very Young

If parents notice problems relating to others early enough they can begin SST during preschool:

Howlin, Patricia & Baron-Cohen, Simon, et al. (1999).  Teaching Children with Autism to Mind Read:  A Practical Guide. London: Wiley.

Howlin and Baron-Cohen use pictures to help very young autistic children how to interpret facial expressions.

Peterson, Lindy. (2002). Social Savvy:  Help Your Child Fit in with Others. Melbourne, Australia:  Australia Council for Education Research.

Peterson helps parents manage their children behavior and equip them with social skills through repeated practice.

Preschool & Kindergarten Etiquette Books

Parents, teachers, and librarians will all appreciate these etiquette picture books while children will delight in the stories:

Bernstain, Stan & Bernstain, Jan. (1985).  The Bernstain Bears Forget Their Manners. New York:  Random House Books for Young Readers. (Kindergarten—2nd grade).

When the bear cubs and dad forget their manners, Mama Bear requires the family to follow “The Bear Family’s Manners Plan”.

[Brandenberg], Aliki. (1997). Manners.  New York: Greenwillow Books. (Ages 4-8).

Aliki uses a series of pictures to teach courtesy to pre-readers, so the book simply begs for Mommy or Daddy to explain the details.

Burgess, Gelett. (1900). The Goops and How to Be Them:  A Manual for Polite Children. 2005 Ed. Adapted by Barbara Ross and Nicholas Beatty.  Battle Ground, Washington:  Goops Unlimited. (Ages 4-8).

First published in 1900 and adapted in 2005, this classic reinforces good manners, including Burgess’ famous table manners poem, with memorable rhymes and illustrations.

Finn, N.  Carrie. (2007). Manners at the Table.  Way to Be!  Chicago: Capstone Publishers. (Kindergarten-grade 2).

This quick read with a repeating rhyme nd easily understandable pictures and texts helps beginning readers understand good table manners

Leaf, Munro. (2007).   Manners Can Be Fun. New York:   Universe Publishing.  (Ages 4-

8).

This delightfully old-fashioned book explains manners in a way that very small children will understand.

McGrath, Bob.  Ophs! Excuse Me! Please!: And Other Mannerly Tales. Mauppauge, New York: Barron’s Educational Series, Inc.  (Preschool & up).

Author Bob McGrath and illustrator Tammie Lyon present 28 humorous scenarios that reinforce good behavior and encourage talks with young children about social skills.

Meiners, Cheri J. (2003).  Share and Take Turns.  Minneapolis, Minnesota: Free Spirit Publishing. (Ages 4-8).

Written at the preschool and kindergarten level, this guide provides concrete examples that show children how to share and take turns.

Richard Scary’s Please and Thank You. (1973). Random House Books for Young Readers (Ages 3-7).

Children will love the illustrations in this beloved book on manners while parents will appreciate the manners that it teaches.

Senning, Cindy Post & Post, Peggy.  (2009). Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids. New York:  HarperCollins. (3rd to 7th grade).

From whether or not to say grace to not slurping one’s soup, this comprehensive children’s etiquette book answers table manners questions that elementary and middle school kids need to know.

Seslyle, Joslin & Maurice Sendak.  (1986). What Do You Say, Dear?  New York: HarperCollins. (Ages 4-8).

Q.“What do you say when you bump into a crocodile on a crowded street?”  A. I’d say, “Joslin’s witty dialogue and Sendak’s illustrations teach manners with a dash of humor.”

Manners for Elementary School Readers

These manners books for elementary school children can serve as resources for social skills lesson plans.

Espeland, Pamela & Verdick, Elizabeth.  (2007). Dude, That’s Rude! (Get Some Manners).  Minneapolis, Minnesota:  Free Spirit Publishing. (Ages 8-13).

Espeland’s detailed guidebook on manners aimed at older elementary school students is sure to hold their attention with humorous drawings and witty writing, starting with an explanation of such "power words" as please, thank you, you’re welcome, excuse me, yes, please, no, thank you, and I’m sorry and "PU words" like shut up, get lost, big deal, so what, you suck, and whatever (2007, pp. 6-7).

MacGregor, Cynthia.  Thanks Aunt Zelda!  Thank You Cards for Kids to Craft. Montreal:  Lobster Press. (Grades 2 to 5).

MacGregor explains why it’s important to write thank you notes before furnishing directions for making personally designed thank you notes, which makes this a perfect activity for teaching writing both as a language arts activity and an arts and crafts project.

Sornson, Bob (2013) Stand in My Shoes: Kids Learning about Empathy. Northville, Michigan: Love & Logic Press. (Ages 6-9).

Sornson’s tale teaches the concept of empathy and shows its practice in a family setting.  Parents, teachers, and librarian can then extend this understanding of others’ feelings in a discussion that follows the reading.

Spizman, Ali Lauren.  (2000). The Thank You Book for Kids: Hundreds of Creative Cool, and Clever Ways to Say Thank You. Atlanta, Georgia: Longstreet Press. (Ages 8-12).

The 14-year-old author provides lots of model thank you notes as well as ideas for decorating them since “if everyone took a little more time to express a thank-you, then the world would be a kinder and sweeter place to live (Spizman, 2000, para. ix).

Verdick, Elizabeth. (2010). Don’t Behave Like You Live in a Cave. (Laugh & Learn).  Minneapolis, Minnesota:  Free Spirit Publishing. (Ages 8-13).

Elementary school-readers from age 8 to 11 will enjoy the humorous cartoons and light conversational tone that reviews positive and negative behaviors and reinforces positive social skills.

Social Skills Reading for Young Adults

Social Skills and etiquette books for teens often  include how to study, resume, and job interview advice.

Social skills handbooks and etiquette guides aimed at young adults are useful resources for all tweens and teens.

O’Toole, Jennifer Cook. (2013). The Asperkid’s Secret Book of Social Rules:  The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome.  London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. 

Written by an Aspie and mother of three, this “how to” guide serves as a social survival manual for tweens and teens.

Moore, June Hines. (2007). Manners Made Easy for Teens:  10 Steps to a Life of Confidence, Poise, and Respect.  Nashville:   B & H Publishing Group.

Hines provides rudimentary advice to young adults on how to act in certain situations, first furnishing a set of rules and then providing a script, thus making it an excellent resource for workshop and classroom social skills training.  Moore gears the first section at teens while she writes second half of the book for their teachers.

Jackson, Luke. (2002). Freaks, Geeks, and Asperger Syndrome:  A User Guide to Adolescence.  London: Jessica Kingsley.

A 13-year-old English teen diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome writes an honest guide dealing with friendships, bullying, dating, and school problems.

Packer, Alex. (1997). How Rude! The Teenager’s Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out.  Minneapolis, Minnesota: Free Spirit Publishing.

Psychologist and educator Alex Pack covers sex-edquette, toiletiquette, and netiquette in this witty social skills book written for teens, although parents of middle school students might not want their sons to know all the details about how to use a condom.  Flow charts appear throughout the book detailing the consequences of correct or inappropriate behavior.

Senning, Cindy Post & Post, Peggy. (2007). Teen Manners: From Malls to Meals to Messaging and Beyond. New York:  HarperTeen.

This precise etiquette guide for children from age 9 into young adulthood holds that “manners matter, but principles matter more” (Senning, 2007, p. 4). Emily Post’ great granddaughters thus define etiquette and its importance before furnishing a handbook on relationships, meal time manners, correspondence, and social skills for school, applying for jobs, and gaining admission to college. An Amazon.com reviewer cautions, however, that parents of elementary school age readers may want to censor the section on oral sex until they are emotionally mature enough to read it.

Williams, Terrie. (2001). Stay Strong:  Simple Life Lessons for Teens.  New York: Scholastic.

A Hollywood Public Relations specialist gives her African-American audience advice on ethics, manners, and personal relations.  Although this social skills book will definitely benefit most middle school and high school students, Amazon.com reader reviews indicate that some readers may find that the book is not as hip as it claims to be.

 ___________

Other blog pages in the Ways to Improve Your Child’s Grades series:

Make sure your child has a regular bedtime and enough sleep.  Ways to Improve Your Child’s Grades. (2014, January 18).   Retrieved from http://evelynelainesmith.blogspot.com/2014/01/ten-ways-to-improve-your-childs-grades.html

Limit and Monitor the Use of Social Media: How Social Media Influences Academic Success. (17 February 2014; revised 2015, January 6). Retrieved from https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6180686702778716801#editor/target=post;postID=7228483845226909971;onPublishedMenu=posts;onClosedMenu=posts;postNum=34;src=postname

Make sure your child participates in aerobic exercise daily:  Students who regularly exercise make better grades.  (2014, March 8). http://evelynelainesmith.blogspot.com/2014/03/ways-to-improve-your-childs-grades-3-of.html

Read to your child daily:  Read aloud and along with children to ensure their success.  (2014, July 11).  Retrieved from http://evelynelainesmith.blogspot.com/2014/07/ways-to-improve-your-childs-grades-4-of.html

 Teach your child time management skills:  Perfect your child’s time management skills. (2015, February 6).  Retrieved from http://evelynelainesmith.blogspot.com/2015/02/ways-to-improve-your-childs-grades-6-of.html